So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
