Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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