im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
