he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
