apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish life had little blips of pornography
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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