last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
