I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
