party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
