It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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