how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
