I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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