So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
