i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
