I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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