I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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