there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
