Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
