whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
