your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
