I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
