need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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