I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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