I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
