I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
