god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
