from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
