Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
