I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
