i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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