Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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