why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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