I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
