there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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