i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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