I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
