trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
