I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
