mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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