We're facebook friends in real life
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish you could order shots online.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
