i was rollin on her like bob the builder
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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