i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
