Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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