I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
