Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
