i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
