There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
