In the future we'll all be gay
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
