I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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