We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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