not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
