He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
