He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
