I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
